| delusions. |
[Jan. 20th, 2010|03:08 am] |
"But I disappear into the person I love. I am the permeable membrane. If I love you, you can have my everything. You can have my time, my devotion, my ass, my money, my family, my dog, my dog's money, my dog's time- everything. If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts (in every definition of the word), I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this....and more."
- Elizabeth Gilbert |
|
|
| homicide helpline. |
[Jan. 13th, 2010|03:32 pm] |
something about people constantly fucking you up that gets you spiritual. acceptance and forgiveness comes from within, from knowing that everything is all part of god's greater plan. he knows the shit no one else does, he knows what i'm capable of, he deals with me accordingly.
i'm thankful. seriously.
my life support system (cynics- entertaining but not entirely helpful) are laughing that i've come to peace with the crappy terms that life has given to me. apparently, religion and divine entities are for those who "have nothing else to blame".
eh. if you really knew me, i always blame it on the lack of alcohol.
i used to get mad at him for making me see the things he wanted me to see. it's bad enough my vision's shittier at night. but you can't shake your fists at the sky forever. this has nothing to do with karma, past lives or retributions. it's his lesson plan. and like a good little jedi, i'm ready to learn about the ways of the universe. everything happens for a reason.
in other news, trying to keep it all simple has been complicated. turns out i like the mess? the perpetual bedhair and bedroom clutter should've been a clue. but true to virgo eccentricities, it's like some bizarre organized chaos. self-esteem issues over here, god complexes over there, heartaches on this side. i even got a little schedule- the party really gets going once the sun sets.
although still faithless in people, i'm waiting on that happiness thing everyone keeps raving about. i'm sure that there's some fucking beautiful shit out there that i can't even begin to comprehend- whether i deserve to be a part of it depends on fate and time. i guess it's a good thing that i'll live forever.
so far it's been pretty awesome and pretty shitty. i'm glad everything turned out the way it did. it's a good life. |
|
|
| higher education. |
[Dec. 29th, 2009|12:57 am] |
|
you can say i'm easily distracted
i think the problem is i'm easily attracted by the darkside
the temptation got me questioning where my heart lies
i'm trying to separate myself like apartheid
but hey, the liquor keep swallowing
i swear i walk with God,
but the devil keep following.
♥,
husband #2 |
|
|
| the path of least resistance. |
[Aug. 21st, 2009|06:37 pm] |
it doesn't matter how hard you're fighting when you're the only one taking up arms. it's good that you're strong enough, but we all still get tired at the end of the day. even more so when you realise nothing got fixed. maybe your cat did, but everything else is still broken. enough heroin chic, it's time for pretty pathetic.
i'm really tired. i've been struggling to save something i believed in. but being faithful has no place in this age. you can't expect them to stay just because you're willing to. being faithless is so much more practical. you anticipate. you don't dream. you take up insurance. you do risk management, course id MBS572.
what the fuck is a beautiful nightmare anyway? that doesn't even make sense.
seriously, nobody wants the struggle. nobody wants the hard work. like the spoilt brats that we are, we want things easy. don't give me trouble honey, just give me the good parts. money, flowers, marc jacobs bags and dinner dates- nice, but completely irrelevant. even cheatcodes never give you 100% completion in GTA. and that's just a stupid video game. you can't play people out and expect to hit escape when things get messy. you grow some balls and clean that shit up.
to be taken care of. unreal. who the hell does she think she is?
we can't be alone, we all need someone. their very existence in our lives is a distraction from the pain they cause. we're so busy convincing ourselves that if we love this little fucker hard enough, he'll start noticing your efforts. and that's where we went wrong. if you're going to give him unconditional love, give him a couch as well. he's going to get comfortable.
pain tests your strength, your endurance. but we have limits. we have to stop at some time.
that's what happens when you keep denying what has been given to you. nothing's ever permanent. because while we're fighting for you...we start sidetracking into dangerous territory. we get tired and start thinking that we don't want you anymore. then we don't know if we should stay because we don't want to feel like we wasted everything or to leave so we can be happier elsewhere.
selfish or selfless?
this time i didn't have a choice. it was messy, it was rude and it was full of crap. each time i get sad or miss the company, i start getting pissed. maybe next week, or next month, i'll realise how liberating this is. but for now, i'm just going to try to stay calm, get things steady. you think you got your life in order, it'll fall apart all over again. inevitable. so do you clean up your closet or let it be? find that brown skirt or keep your sanity?
i know i'm not making much sense by now. humour me.
maybe that's why they always say that you fall in love because in the end, you crash and burn.
gravity 4 - adleen 0. |
|
|
| cold/colder. |
[Aug. 20th, 2009|01:42 am] |
 took me 10 minutes to close the tab. it was what he wanted or rather, didn't want. still sayang him. it just wasn't worth saving anymore. |
|
|
